I am not having a good day - after a whole month and a half (woo hoo!) of paying support on time and in full, the Ex has once again shorted me by nearly half - his reason? Because he managed to overdraft himself by nearly $500!
This is something I never have to worry about - because I don't have enough money to ever lose track of that amount! And yet... I remember when this used to happen a lot. I also remember being blamed for it - funny how that stopped being a problem I have as soon as he left, but one that I apparently managed to still force him into by the power of my evil brain.
As of today he is over $8000.00 in arrears with me - and has the nerve to still sound like an arrogant jerk whenever he talks to me. I look forward to the day when he is no longer a factor in my life, but I'm not sure when that will be. The 30 year old daughter is still so angry when she speaks of him that she shakes when he comes up. The younger ones are damaged - still trying to win his acceptance and being beat down every time it's not offered. And the youngest.. is living a life of poverty thanks to her father (who owes much more money to credit cards than we'll see from him in a year). She isn't even trying to have a 'relationship' after watching what happens to her siblings when they try.
He called her on Thanksgiving (first time he's reached out to talk to her since this summer). I don't know what he said and she won't tell me. But two minutes after he called she came out in tears, refusing to discussing it and just muttering, "I don't like him! I'm sorry but I don't like him!!"
And while I still want to hope he'll step up and be a father... I am at the point where I don't like him either and it'd just be better if he stop stirring the emotional pot. Do his legal duty, and decide - all in or all out when it comes to parenting them - because turning up 3 or 4 times a year and then making them feel bad for having negative feelings about him, while he can't be bothered to even care for them in the most basic way possible just sucks.
Weirdly, sometimes this feels like an attempt to make me forget what all he did to ME by burying me under things I need to protect our children from. I just don't understand how people like this continue to walk around without crumbling under the weight of their own shame.
I try very very hard to live my life in a positive manner - but having someone repeatedly and actively hurt my children - when that someone is the only other person in the world who can call them 'my children'... is just beyond me to deal with in a positive way.
So today, I'm not finding a path to focus on other things - I'm desperately trying to figure out how to cover rent.